Life is Calling

“What if you wake up some day, and you’re 65… and you were just so strung out on...people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life?” Anne Lamott

I did. Well, maybe not at 65, but I was in my late forties. My husband, to whom I had dedicated my time and talents helping (otherwise known as manipulating and controlling), had decided to return to college. We were living in my parents' home, where I cooked and cleaned and decorated. For them.  Or something. I had put my life on hold.  Again. Until he finished college. Until things were better. Until everyone was happy. Until I had made everyone think I was wonderful... I was doing all the right things for all the wrong reasons.

When I found myself blindly staring out the bedroom window, wringing my hands, tears dripping off my chin and unable to function without a clue what was wrong, I admitted I was in trouble.  And I didn't have a clue what the answer was for the first time in my life.

My journey from there to where I am today is a long one I won't bore you with. It has been worth every terrifying, painful, and beautifully trembling step. We were created with a secret dream our God wants us to share with Him. It is only as we share ourselves with the One who dreamed us, we can get a glimpse of this delightful life planned for us. Our hearts will sing. And it is then that we become the instruments for change we long to be. We become light in darkness. We become salt to season and preserve. We become branches attached to the vine that produce fruit.

A very wise man once told me that in order to "lay down my life for my friend," I had to actually have a life to lay down. Let's dare to fight the good fight today. Not against the people, places and things around us, but against the parts of ourselves that tell us lies. "It's too hard." "I'm not good enough yet." "People will laugh." Insert your lie here: "..."

Dare to take one teensy, tiny step in the direction your heart is longing to explore. And remember, I know you can do it. Keep me posted on your secret journey. Because I love you. Bunches.

Moving Forward

Okay, I admit it. Some days aren't worth talking about. I look back and cringe at what I ate or drank or did or said. AGAIN. I mean, really. I know better how I'm SUPPOSED to be. How I've determined I'd be. Then, low and behold, I do it again. That thing that makes me feel like a failure or worthless or ugly or mean. Know what I mean?

So I had one of those kind of weekends. I woke up this morning remembering all my failures and pulled the covers back over my head willing the day to retreat. After about an hour of this fruitless action, I steeled myself to do something different. I got a cup of coffee and my art basket and climbed back into bed where I often work on my art journal. There is something safe for me about fluffy pillows and comforters. I then began to process the rotten choices I'd made and how I would deal with them and myself today.

I realized as I added words and color to the page that even though I had taken 2 steps forward and one step back, I had still made some forward motion. And I would continue moving. Either forward or back. Grabbing my journal and doing something, ANYTHING, is for me a step forward. Embracing the parts of me that want to go backward is a step forward. If I make these kinds of choices now, a year from now I will have added a lot of forward steps to my journey.

And so will you, sweet friends. So our days won't always sparkle like diamonds. Some days are destined for the mud puddles. But you know how to get up, brush yourself off and take another step. I know you do. I believe in you more than you know.
And I love you. Bunches.

Safety Becomes Captivity

When I am working in the studio, I usually listen to a novel, usually a "who-dunnit." I find this practice helps me to focus (I share my space with 6 other women),  and it helps get me back into the studio to get back to my book. (It takes what it takes, right?)

I've been thinking about a sentence in one I recently finished by author Louise Penny about safety becoming captivity. I know this was the case in my life. At one point in my life, I was unable to go anywhere but the church, the grocery store or the homes of friends and family. I can still remember the day I decided to go for a picnic lunch near a local beach. I didn't have the courage to even get out of the car. I sat in the driver's seat with the window half open and ate my picnic. Laughable I know, but that was my beginning, my first baby step out of captivity.

Since that time I have had many, many wider adventures. A solo trip over the ocean to meet my niece, Megan, in London. A two year adventure into art school. A solo photography camping trip down the Washington and Oregon coasts. These adventures, especially the school, seemed scarey to me at the time. (At school, my fight or flight would kick in every time I had to speak to anyone, taking the blood from my brain and making it impossible to string together a sentence. I am so grateful to my fellow students for their patience each time I tried to speak.)

The point is, we can allow our fears to keep us from the lives we are meant to live. Lives of joy and fulfillment and creativity and wonder. I did exactly that for the first half of my life.  And I always had what seemed like a good excuse, a sensible reason to play it safe. Not make waves. Not risk rejection.

So dear ones, even when you may be shaking in your Brave Girl boots and your Big Girl panties, dare to be the woman you know deep, deep down inside your heart you would love to be. Don't give in to the fear and let it rob you of your life as long as I did. Break out of your prison. Have your version of my car picnic. Take that first baby step. I know you can do it.

Because I love you. Bunches.

Live the Dream

Sometimes I feel like I'm inside out and upside down while everyone else around me is all together. Know what I mean? Like I'm the only one who doesn't have "IT." The right job, car, body, hair, imagination.... fill in the blank. Like it's raining and I'm the only one without an umbrella or rain gear. Or that everyone else has things figured out...

And then I remember that there is a God who has a always had a dream for my life. And since I've decided to daily let my life be directed by His ideas and plans, the dream is His problem to accomplish. My simple (not necessarily easy) task is to turn my will into His care. To ask for insight into His plan for each day and for courage to take the next step. One foot in front of the other.

And I AM living His dream, one day at a time. Even when I'm feeling uncomfortable, this life far surpasses the one I had when I was in charge of show! That is something to remember on days like today.

And Precious one, God has a dream for your life, too. An infinitely better story for you than the one you can imagine. And I can't wait to see it unfolding. Because I love you. Bunches.