More Flame Fanning

   Now that we've mastered the tips (oh, sure) from the last post and included them in our daily routines, here are a few more tips for adding new spark to our relationships from the article from November 2010 Bottom Line by psychotherapist, Barton Goldsmith.

First three hints from the section called Classic Connection Builders:

Meet for lunch.

 Getting together in the middle of the workdays offers a different dimension to both your lives. Pack a picnic basket, brown-bag it or meet at a restaurant.

Make dinner together.

Food is sensual and preparing it together can be powerfully bonding. Then eat by candlelight.

Write your partner a thank-you note...

every time (oh dear) he/she does something special for you, no matter how small. As you are writing, allow yourself to feel deserving of admiration, and let your heart fill with gratitude for your lover.

   And here are the last two tips to fan those fires. From the section called Fast and Simple Adventures:

Schedule an"unplan" day.

Agree to get up on a weekend morning, and go somewhere neither of you has previously chosen. Get in the car, flip a coin, let it land on the local map and start driving in that direction. When you see something that looks interesting, stop and check it out. Have lunch, and decide whether to keep going or drive back.

Take a different route home. 

And finally:

Create an adoration list.

Ask your partner to write down seven (7) non-material things that would make him/her feel cherished by you, and make a similar list yourself. (The examples the author gives include being served breakfast in bed, going sailing together, celebrating the date of your first date and getting a back rub without expectations of anything in return.)

   So enjoy the process as you (and I) experiment with some of the above tips. I've found the ten second hug mentioned in the previous post o be extremely helpful in reconnecting with the Professor at the end of a long day. I'd love get feedback on how this post might have affected you. Or which one you have successfully tried.

Protect (or Ressurect) the Passion

   This morning as I reached inside the cupboard for my coffee mug, I noticed an article I had taped there over a year ago. It had struck me with such simple and practical relationship wisdom when I read it, so I had posted it inside the door of the kitchen cupboard I open most often.
   Unfortunately, I had stopped even seeing it. Perhaps being away for a week  made it visible to me again as I took down my mug. Who knows? But for whatever reason, I did notice it this morning.
   As I waited for the french press to work its magic, I re-read the 2-column article clipped from the November 2010, Bottom Line. Written by California-based psychotherapist, Barton Goldsmith, PhD who is also a syndicated columnist and radio host. This guy has also written books, which include Emotional Fitness for Intimacy: Sweeten & Deepen Your Love in Only 10 Minutes a Day. (Really?) Anyway you can read more about him on his website, www.BartonGoldsmith.com.

   The article, entitled The 5-Minute Marriage Makeover - Little Ways to Fall in Love Again, is divided into two sections:
 Classic Connections and Fast and Simple Adventures.
Thought I'd share a couple of the Classic Connections with you today, since I seem to remember the concepts I write down or illustrate more easily than those I hear or read. (And I'm certain the Professor would appreciate me remembering some of these considering he is a lark and I seem to be an owl.) So here goes:

Greet each other with a 10-second hug.

 A peck on the lips and a quick squeeze does not give you time to bond after you have been apart all day. Ten seconds is enough to get the attachment hormone oxytocin flowing in your system.

  Touch when you pass.

Make contact any time you pass each other in the house, whether with a sensual stroke along the small of the back or a quick high five.

Go to bed at the same time.

Even if one of you is a lark and the other an owl, don't miss out on the special connection of bedtime. Cuddle together in bed until the lark falls asleep---the the owl can get up and continue the evening.

 Leave each other love notes.

---on the refrigerator, on the bathroom mirror or in your partner's jacket pocket or workout bag.

   To get the next three tips in the Classic Connections part of the article and the 2 tips in the Fast and Simple Adventure part of the article, check back. I'll continue tomorrow. The "lark" is heading off to bed.

Tribute (No, not Tenecious D.)

She had known during their first conversation she would marry him. She not been particularly pleased about it at the time, she remembered.  No, that was a serious understatement,  considering the solitary and selfless life she had envisioned for herself. Blame everything that ended up happening on that silly little hand-made valentine, a simple red construction paper heart glued firmly to a crisp white doily. He had created it especially for her among children during the church service. His hand-written message, Happy Valentine's Day, Princess had crashed through her resolve. Funny, the things that can slip through seemingly impenetrable walls, she mused. Who could have considered the power of one simple hand-made card?

The message in his Valentine card delivered this morning to her bedside with a soft kiss and  steaming china mug of french roast exactly 37 years later had triggered these thoughts of their first days. He had caught a glimpse of someone buried deep inside her all those years ago. He had seen a princess  hiding terrified and shattered underneath her tightly-wrapped robe of promises---precious promises that the old was gone and the new had come. He married her before  summer in a big church wedding during a dust storm. She didn't want to wear a white dress and her mother finally compromised by sewing tiny yellow bows onto the skirt of the traditional white dress. Poor man didn't have a clue what he'd gotten himself into.

Having gotten a wife he considered a princess, he had gone about the business of being a knight-in-shining-armor. And he had continued that business at least 5 days a week without much audible grumbling. Today was no exception. He leaned down to kiss her, wrapped snugly in the covers with her journal before his last trip out to their dented, silver Grand Caravan. She noticed his hair had been dampened by the pre-dawn drizzle on the two previous trips loading the van with the necessary items for his upcoming day: a small cooler, a brief case, a heavily loaded backpack, and his teaching attire for later - a dress shirt with the day's tie of choice. He has quite a collection of "conversation-starting" ties. Earlier today as he draped a tie over the hanger he informed her that Waldo loved to go to school; the tie was covered with Waldo of the book, Where's Waldo.

He turned back to me when he reached the bedroom doorway and said with his usual morning grin,

"I'm off to kill the dragon!" 

I heard him open and close the front door, heading out for another dark to dark day without complaint. Valentines Day would resume when he returned in about 14 hours.

   "Who knew back then that  an unkempt, bass guitar playing, Bible-toting, carpenter would become the hero I know today?" she wondered. "And who knew that my self righteous, people-pleasing, church lady hid the free spirit I truly am. Back then we were just two kids who had nothing in common besides music, God and a desire to be together. Between then and now all those areas would be reformed and recreated, just as we were. Boy, were we.