Life is Calling

“What if you wake up some day, and you’re 65… and you were just so strung out on...people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life?” Anne Lamott

I did. Well, maybe not at 65, but I was in my late forties. My husband, to whom I had dedicated my time and talents helping (otherwise known as manipulating and controlling), had decided to return to college. We were living in my parents' home, where I cooked and cleaned and decorated. For them.  Or something. I had put my life on hold.  Again. Until he finished college. Until things were better. Until everyone was happy. Until I had made everyone think I was wonderful... I was doing all the right things for all the wrong reasons.

When I found myself blindly staring out the bedroom window, wringing my hands, tears dripping off my chin and unable to function without a clue what was wrong, I admitted I was in trouble.  And I didn't have a clue what the answer was for the first time in my life.

My journey from there to where I am today is a long one I won't bore you with. It has been worth every terrifying, painful, and beautifully trembling step. We were created with a secret dream our God wants us to share with Him. It is only as we share ourselves with the One who dreamed us, we can get a glimpse of this delightful life planned for us. Our hearts will sing. And it is then that we become the instruments for change we long to be. We become light in darkness. We become salt to season and preserve. We become branches attached to the vine that produce fruit.

A very wise man once told me that in order to "lay down my life for my friend," I had to actually have a life to lay down. Let's dare to fight the good fight today. Not against the people, places and things around us, but against the parts of ourselves that tell us lies. "It's too hard." "I'm not good enough yet." "People will laugh." Insert your lie here: "..."

Dare to take one teensy, tiny step in the direction your heart is longing to explore. And remember, I know you can do it. Keep me posted on your secret journey. Because I love you. Bunches.

Moving Forward

Okay, I admit it. Some days aren't worth talking about. I look back and cringe at what I ate or drank or did or said. AGAIN. I mean, really. I know better how I'm SUPPOSED to be. How I've determined I'd be. Then, low and behold, I do it again. That thing that makes me feel like a failure or worthless or ugly or mean. Know what I mean?

So I had one of those kind of weekends. I woke up this morning remembering all my failures and pulled the covers back over my head willing the day to retreat. After about an hour of this fruitless action, I steeled myself to do something different. I got a cup of coffee and my art basket and climbed back into bed where I often work on my art journal. There is something safe for me about fluffy pillows and comforters. I then began to process the rotten choices I'd made and how I would deal with them and myself today.

I realized as I added words and color to the page that even though I had taken 2 steps forward and one step back, I had still made some forward motion. And I would continue moving. Either forward or back. Grabbing my journal and doing something, ANYTHING, is for me a step forward. Embracing the parts of me that want to go backward is a step forward. If I make these kinds of choices now, a year from now I will have added a lot of forward steps to my journey.

And so will you, sweet friends. So our days won't always sparkle like diamonds. Some days are destined for the mud puddles. But you know how to get up, brush yourself off and take another step. I know you do. I believe in you more than you know.
And I love you. Bunches.

Safety Becomes Captivity

When I am working in the studio, I usually listen to a novel, usually a "who-dunnit." I find this practice helps me to focus (I share my space with 6 other women),  and it helps get me back into the studio to get back to my book. (It takes what it takes, right?)

I've been thinking about a sentence in one I recently finished by author Louise Penny about safety becoming captivity. I know this was the case in my life. At one point in my life, I was unable to go anywhere but the church, the grocery store or the homes of friends and family. I can still remember the day I decided to go for a picnic lunch near a local beach. I didn't have the courage to even get out of the car. I sat in the driver's seat with the window half open and ate my picnic. Laughable I know, but that was my beginning, my first baby step out of captivity.

Since that time I have had many, many wider adventures. A solo trip over the ocean to meet my niece, Megan, in London. A two year adventure into art school. A solo photography camping trip down the Washington and Oregon coasts. These adventures, especially the school, seemed scarey to me at the time. (At school, my fight or flight would kick in every time I had to speak to anyone, taking the blood from my brain and making it impossible to string together a sentence. I am so grateful to my fellow students for their patience each time I tried to speak.)

The point is, we can allow our fears to keep us from the lives we are meant to live. Lives of joy and fulfillment and creativity and wonder. I did exactly that for the first half of my life.  And I always had what seemed like a good excuse, a sensible reason to play it safe. Not make waves. Not risk rejection.

So dear ones, even when you may be shaking in your Brave Girl boots and your Big Girl panties, dare to be the woman you know deep, deep down inside your heart you would love to be. Don't give in to the fear and let it rob you of your life as long as I did. Break out of your prison. Have your version of my car picnic. Take that first baby step. I know you can do it.

Because I love you. Bunches.

Live the Dream

Sometimes I feel like I'm inside out and upside down while everyone else around me is all together. Know what I mean? Like I'm the only one who doesn't have "IT." The right job, car, body, hair, imagination.... fill in the blank. Like it's raining and I'm the only one without an umbrella or rain gear. Or that everyone else has things figured out...

And then I remember that there is a God who has a always had a dream for my life. And since I've decided to daily let my life be directed by His ideas and plans, the dream is His problem to accomplish. My simple (not necessarily easy) task is to turn my will into His care. To ask for insight into His plan for each day and for courage to take the next step. One foot in front of the other.

And I AM living His dream, one day at a time. Even when I'm feeling uncomfortable, this life far surpasses the one I had when I was in charge of show! That is something to remember on days like today.

And Precious one, God has a dream for your life, too. An infinitely better story for you than the one you can imagine. And I can't wait to see it unfolding. Because I love you. Bunches.

Rest

"One more thing, one more thing, one more thing..." was chasing me through today. Tired and hungry at what should have been the day's end, I pushed myself another 4 hours. Then I wondered why I was beginning to feel unhappy, irritable... maybe even a little depressed. Usually I endeavor to live one day at a time, but sometimes I fail miserably. I cram the tasks of 2 days into one 16 hour period. I forget to hydrate or eat or run to the restroom. Sound familiar? It was one of those days. Ugh.

And when I drag myself through the front door at the end of the day, I see Rocky. Many people wonder why I still provide this grouchy, unpredictable 12 year old feline a home, but he teaches me so much. When he is hungry, he sleeps. When he needs comfort, he gets it (or we will be miserable until he does!) And whenever he is tired, he sleeps.

Sometimes the best, strongest and most worthy thing we can do is halt. Take a break. Let it all go for a minute (or more), and simply rest. If I could remember on a daily basis to treat myself the way I would treat another person: with consideration, respecting my needs as valid, and rewarding myself with a "well done" once in a while, I would be even more productive. And easier to live with. And more content.

And so would you, precious one. So treat yourself with consideration today, and rest when you need it. Because I love you. Bunches.

No Longer Fine

Upon reflection, it is apparent I believed that if I did everything the "right" way, I would be righteous, holy, successful and happy, although not necessarily in that particular order. I made it my life's mission to discover what those "right" ways were and to rigidly work out my life according to those ways. And I harshly judged the rest of the world by my unbending standards, finding them widely missing the mark. And as my son, the Handsome Ginger, once described it, "She spent her time telling everyone everything was fine.  And she was the only one fooled." How right he was.

Fast forward 30 years. I discovered "fine" is the acronym for "fouled up, insecure, neurotic and emotional." Yep, that about describes it. Bummer!

But here's the deal. I don't have to continue pretending everything is fine. I can ask for help. I can share my thoughts and questions with friends. I can journal. I can pray. I am free to make different choices once I face that the ones I've made to date aren't working for me. And so can you, dear one. Hope lives. Hope lives!

Change begins with one simple step. Change continues as we take one simple step after the other. Don't look at how far we have to go. Just look for the next step and pray for the courage to take it.

Dare to make the change your heart longs for. Move toward it. I can't wait to hear how it turns out for you. And if you need someone to pray, I'll be that person for you. Keep me posted.

And remember, I love you. Bunches.

Live Big

Just a reminder:

Don't wait for a convenient time to become all you are meant to be. It will rarely be convenient or comfortable. But do it anyway. Bloom freely.

Those who care about you will be cheering you on. They will be right there with you or behind you shouting, "You can do it! Keep it up!" And the others? The ones who tell you to "tone it down" or "don't get your hopes up"? Do you really need them? Are they helping you? Thank them kindly for their opinions and continue on your way. Shake it off and keep going. Those who love you will be there, if not right away, in time.

I know you can accomplish anything you choose to put your passion, energy and focus into. Give it all you've got. You've got this. And I love you. Bunches.

Sands of Time

While working in Live in Wonder by Eric Saperston with Mirabella Love, a gift given to me by my niece, Princess Deadlift, I was struck with the thought that my biggest enemy is not fear of failure these days. Fear of making the wrong choices seems to be my current roadblock. So the sketch below is to remind me to keep going.

I was reminded of the famous lines attributed to Goethe:

"Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it.
   Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it!”  

And, of course the slogan from the Nike ad:

JUST DO IT!

So remember, dear ones, choosing is only a part of following your dream. There yet remains to task of moving toward it. Choose one thing, for a month, a week or perhaps a day, and do that with purpose. See what comes of it.

And don't forget, you know what the "right" choice is. I know you do. Because I love you. Bunches.

 

Releasing Excuses

I don't know what keeps you from following your dreams. Or even having dreams, for that matter. But I do know some of the beliefs that have blocked my way over the years. So today I am choosing to look those ugly buggers in the face and see them for what they are. And just for today I can release them and point myself in the direction of my dreams.

In order to be released, they had to be brought out into the light and identified. Some had been a help in the past, but were now out-dated. Some had been taunting and tormenting me for decades. TODAY, I AM LETTING THEM ALL GO.

Perhaps you have some nasty voices chanting a litany of lies in your head. Embrace truth today. You are a person of extreme value. And full of wonder. Take a fearless and searching look at what stops you and then let it go.

You were made to thrive, my friend. And I love you. Bunches.

Raindrops

As some of you are aware, I spend roughly 20 hours a week managing a satellite warehouse in the Pacific Northwest for a Canadian Design company that offers classic baby clothes, rattles and is the inventor of the infamous PPTP.  The remaining roughly 20-30 hours are spent pursuing my passion in the studio. It's a great life and I am grateful.

However, as today's journal post below illustrates, on my first day back from our Christmas break, the warehouse was threatened with flooding. The usually idyllic duck pond/stream behind the warehouse had swollen with recent rains and breached its banks. I called in the Professor who was still on his Christmas break to help me raise everything to at the least 4" off the ground. While I was madly trying to send out the accumulated orders, he kindly gave me his last day of vacation. Many thanks, my love. You rock!

I learned a valuable lesson yesterday:
Don't be afraid to ask for help, even when it might appear to inconvenience the person you've asked to help. They may get a charge out of your request. And it may make their day.

You are valuable so when you need help, let people help you.
And remember, I love you. Bunches.

First Game Blues

Between basketball games, the first a big loss and the second a rousing win.  If I'd had the ability to see into the future, perhaps my journal would have reflected the joy of the win. Instead it seems to communicate the feelings of defeat we all felt.

We don't know what is to come. Not a clue. Perhaps this is why I need to keep an attitude of hope... Don't forget: Hope Lives!

Love you. Bunches.

One Day at a Time

Sometimes I get to thinking that I've waited too long to even try to be fully alive. For example, I will profusely thank the rare store clerk who cards me. And seemingly overnight, my hair has become liberally sprinkled with silver. Let's face it, friends, I cannot be considered young by anyone's standards.  After all, I have raised an incredible son who is approaching 40.  He has become a wonderful father to my grandchildren.  Yes, I said grandchildren. You don't get to have those and continue to be 23. (And I would choose grandchildren any day.)

Anyway, the thought of wasted years, blind years, the years I gave away sometimes plagues me. So today I reminded myself that I have a valuable gift in the next 24 hours. Now that I am awake, I have choices. I get to choose how I live.

And so do you, precious ones. This is your time. You have everything you need to live today fully alive. And even if no one else believes in you, I do! And I love you. Bunches.

Live Loud

For so many years, I pretended to myself that I was invisible. I concentrated on helping others chase their goals, while postponing my dreams. One day I woke up, or at least that's what it felt like. I realized that while assisting others was a valuable and admirable pastime, I was also responsible for becoming the person I could be. Every bit of the person I could be. And to do that took time, a very limited resource in this busy world. That was the beginning of my journey.

So here is today's journal page. A reminder to be fully alive.

 I am including a link to some free techniques (and paid workshops, too) that I thought you might enjoy.  Art to the 5th Just remember to make your art as well as learn techniques!

So, dear ones, don't settle for someone else's life. Grow to your full potential. Dare to be different if that is who you are. You are beautiful. You are wonderful. I believe in you.

Art Journal

As we flew us home from AZ, I worked in my journal reminding myself to enjoy the process. This turned out to be more of a challenge than expected, considering the turbulence during the final approach!

I thought I'd try posting a page from my journal each day as samples for my nieces. So here you go, girls. Page #1.